“Do you think I am an automaton? — a machine without feelings? and can bear to have my morsel of bread snatched from my lips, and my drop of living water dashed from my cup? Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! — I have as much soul as you — and full as much heart! And if God had gifted me with some beauty and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you. I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, nor even of mortal flesh: IT IS MY SPIRIT THAT ADDRESSES YOUR SPIRIT; just as if both had passed through the grave, and we stood at God’s feet, equal — as we are!”
― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre”
Oh how I really enjoy this quote. I think what I like most about it is the line” my spirit address your spirit…” It’s than intangible experience of being connected to another being for whatever inexplicable reason. Feeling what they feel, knowing things have changed in their life.
It’s like they crawled under your skin and dissolved themselves into your blood whilst you weren’t looking or aware. And now you sit affected, infected, attune – why?
I used to work with one such being and found it almost unbearable. Sitting across from him at a desk was hell. Every fibre of my being wanting to manifest the spiritual connection in a physical context. I convinced myself it was lust – disgusting, weak lust and I was a sick, weak, lustful creature for being so affected.
I felt skinless around him, open and exposed, wondering if he could read my thoughts by looking into my eyes, see into the depth of my soul. I don’t know if he felt it too, I never found out. When I left the company – I was almost relieved – relieved that I wouldn’t have to continue with the pretense of ambivalency.
I managed to convince myself that the feeling was transitory – relieved that they would pass, with time, they would pass and I could forget. The intense feelings have passed, but the soulful connection hasn’t nor have I forgotten.
We met in 2006 and years later that connection still exists on my side. If I dream of him, I know something is happening in his life – although I don’t know exactly what, just know the surface of the soul has been rippled like the wind that touches the top of the water. One year he was getting married, this most recent time, he has just moved jobs.
Curiosity and concern always gets the better of me and then I phone a mutual acquaintance and use subterfuge to get the low down. I feel relieved – the knowing makes me feel relieved – he’s ok, it’s ok. Ironically, I have never been wrong.
Maybe in another life, maybe in this life…maybe…